Scenes Not To Be Seen, Ever, So Say We All
by ears
Summary: Rookie Hot Dog on CAP with Drunken Veteran Pilots The Rash, Oh how far has it spread? These scenes are all in jest and good fun! Pt.4Stims
1. Drunk CAP

_This will be a series of Random scenes, hopefully never to be seen on BSG… _

Time: Season One or Two

Drunk Pilots on CAP 

One fine day in space, the Galactica Pilots on CAP flying around the fleet were acting quite odd. Wings uneven, shaking in there flight suits, flying around in circles and laughing hysterically.

Duck, Starbuck, Hot Dog and Apollo were on this CAP.

Here is some of the ship to ship chatter..

Lip blopping noises, tongue clucking, splatting noises, quacking, and some one singing Frak, Frak, Frak, Frak, Frak…. Frakkity Frak Frak Frak.. Frak Frak Frak. FRAK!

"Frak Duck quit Quacking already I can't hear the noises my mouth is making," that was followed by the sounds of Starbuck clicking her tongue, making splat noises with her cheeks and blopping sounds with her lips.

"FRAK, FRAK, FRAK, FRAK, I MISS THE SUNLIGHT! I THINK GALACTICA SHOULD GET A BEACH, DON'T YOU GUYS THINK THAT'D BE GREAT?" Apollo screams at his fellow pilots on CAP, as well as whoever's listening in CIC.

"Quack."

"Would there be swimming?" Cluck, cluck, cluck, blop, blop, splat, splat, splat.

"Why the Frak should I know?"

"Couldn't we mimic swimming by floating in space or depressurizing a cargo bay, sirs?"

"Is that possible, Frak Dog… um Hot Dog?" Apollo asked curious as his Viper started to do an arc aiming straight at Starbucks Viper, which was flying in a sweep at his.

Duck kept Quacking.

"Um.. Sirs? Are you okay.. I think you both need to pull up NOW!" Hot Dog told his superiors.

Starbuck and Apollo narrowly missed crashing into each other.

"Wow that was awesome, wanna do it again?" Apollo asked enthusiastically as Starbuck continued to make random noises with her mouth.

"NO, That's an order, Sirs!" Hot Dog yelled at them.

"I Am God, Hot Dog, Shut the FRAK UP," cluck, blop, splat.

"I'm NOT a Nugget anymore Starbuck, Shut the Frak Up."

"NO STARBUCK I'M GOD!" Apollo screamed over the wireless.

"No Your One of The GODS!" Starbuck told him back.

"I'M One of the Gods, Well FRAK Me!" Apollo exclaimed.

"Neither of you are GODS, your both P-I-L-O-T-S, Pilots, Human I hope Pilots.. Viper Pilots, V-I-P-E-R Pilots!" Hot Dog raged at his superiors as Duck continued to quack in the background. "And find someone to frak you later, not while on CAP!"

"Okay, what's CAP?"

"OH FRAK! Dammit CAG, your on it now!"

"I'm flying a frakking ship not of CAP."

"Combat Air Patrol, Captain Adama, Combat Air Patrol is CAP."

"Oh, so that's why I'm flying right now, I'm not dreaming? Frak I thought I was dreaming."

"This is fun, wheeeeee! Want to race Apollo, I'll race around that big bubble topped looking ship!"

"OKAY!"

"That's Cloud Nine you Frakheads.. I mean, Sirs."

"Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack.." and Duck continues ongoing.

"Hot Dog to Galactica Actual."

"Hot Dog, this is Galactica Actual." Commander Adama replied.

"Commander, I um think the CAP is drunk excepting myself, Sir."

"Galactica Actual, Hot Dog, Who is on CAP with you, Lieutenant?"

"Hot Dog, Galactica Actual, Starbuck, Apollo and Duck, Sir."

"Galactica Actual, Hot Dog. Well, if the Cylons show up you'll be fine you've got two of the best out there even if there drunker or as drunk as Colonel Tigh on a normal day."

"Hot Dog, Galactica Actual, What about Duck, sir?"

"Galactica Actual, Hot Dog. Um.. He'll be fine… I hope, think, Good Hunting if they show up Hot Dog."

"Hot Dog, Galactica Actual. Thanks Sir, I think."


	2. Rash

Post Crossroads Part II:

Pilots Briefing Room.

CAG: Captain Karl "Helo" Agathon

"It's been brought to my attention that there is a Rash spreading among the pilots."

"Dammit Helo, why are you bringing that up?" Hot Dog asked turning increasingly brighter shades of red.

"All of you who have the Rash raise your hands," Helo ordered.

Lee "Apollo" Adama, Brendan "Hot Dog" Costanza, Marcia "Showboat" Case, Nugget Samuel T. Anders, Nugget Diana Seelix, Margaret "Racetrack" Edmondson, Jarrell "Fuzzy" Kief, and Noel "Narcho" Allison all raised there hands.

"Starbuck, I know you slept with at least two of these pilots, why aren't you raising your hand?"

"I was reborn Helo, I don't have the Rash anymore. Why are you CAG? Lee and I have seniority over you."

"Apollo quit the military while you were _gone_, Starbuck."

"Lee you quit the military? Frak, what did I miss?" Starbuck turned from her seat in the center front row of the briefing room, to Apollo sitting between her and Hot Dog.

"Uh, a lot.. I'll fill you in later."

"APOLLO, STARBUCK, eyes on ME I'm in charge here." After a brief pause Helo continued, "Do any of you know of anyone else with the Rash?"

Anders raised his hand, "Tory Foster."

"Lieutenant Dualla," Apollo supplied.

Helo went over to the phone in the wall, "ATTENTION THROUGHOUT THE SHIP, ATTENTION THROUGHOUT THE SHIP, PASS THE WORD, LIEUTENANT DUALLA TO THE PILOTS BRIEFING ROOM. LIEUTENANT DUALLA TO THE PILOTS BRIEFING ROOM. ATTENTION THROUGHOUT THE SHIP, PASS THE WORD, IF TORY FOSTER IS ON BOARD, MS. FOSTER TO THE PILOTS BRIFING ROOM, MS. FOSTER TO THE PILOTS BRIEFING ROOM."

A few minutes later, Lieutenant Dualla arrived, soon followed by Ms. Foster.

"Lieutenant Dualla, Ms. Foster, is there anyone outside of this room that you have passed the Rash onto?"

"Beg your pardon, no, sorry Captain, I've only slept with Ensign Anders."

"Yeah.." Dualla started, "Lieutenant Gaeta, Captain Kelly, Chief Tyrol… Colonel Tigh."

"Damn Woman is there anyone you didn't sleep with and you got pissed at me for frakking Starbuck."

"I KNEW IT!"

"I THINK WE ALL KNEW IT," The entire Pilots briefing room, including Samuel T. Anders replied to Dee's exclamation.

"It's months old news, Dee, this ship isn't that big, and good riddance am I glad you left him, finally putting us out of our misery of where Apollo's sleeping tonight, If I had to find him asleep in the back of my Raptor one more time…" Racetrack told her.

Helo got back on the phone, "ATTENTION THROUGHOUT THE SHIP. ATTENTION THROUGHOUT THE SHIP. PASS THE WORD. COLONEL TIGH, LIEUTENANT GAETA, CAPTAIN KELLY, REPORT TO THE PILOTS BRIEFING ROOM, REPORT TO THE PILOTS BRIEFING ROOM. PASS THE WORD. COLONEL TIGH, LIEUTENANT GAETA, CAPTAIN KELLY. REPORT TO THE PILOTS BRIEFING ROOM."

Colonel Tigh and Lieutenant Gaeta arrived at the Pilots Briefing Room at around the same time and Captain Kelly was escorted in by Marine Guard a few minutes later, not yet relieved of brig status.

"Captain, what's the meaning of calling all of us down here?" Colonel Tigh ordered out of Helo.

"Just trying to fix the sanitation problem we're having, Colonel. Do you have the Rash?"

"Gods No! I wouldn't touch Ellen after she got that frakking thing on New Caprica." Sniffles and a sad mutterings of "Ellen."

"She only got it on New Caprica?"

"Yeah."

"Why did you call for Colonel Tigh?" Helo ordered the answer from Dualla.

"Someone has to inform the Admiral half his pilots and senior staff are out with a mysterious Rash."

"How did you procure the rash, Lieutenant?" Tigh asked the Communications Officer.

"Billy Keikeya."

"Yet you still slept with me?!" Lee exclaimed incredulously, "You Bitch!"

"Frak off."

"Your divorced, you hate each other, we get it. Shut the frak up already," Colonel Tigh ordered. "Frak, at least Starbuck and Anders have the decency to at least appear to be friends, quit acting like frakking five year olds."

"Can you all explain how you got the Rash?" Colonel Tigh asked the assembled Pilots, and CIC Staff Members.

"I um.. frakked pretty much all the infected males in this room… with the exception of Ensign Anders." Dualla trailed off.

"Why did I frak Hot Dog again?" Racetrack asked Showboat, who shrugged, "Why did any of us?"

"Because he was there." Fuzzy answered.

"You could've Frakked me first off!" Narcho exclaimed.

"What about you, Starbuck, we know you've slept with two of the pilots?" Dee egged on.

"I've only slept with four men since the running for our lives began, and I was reborn leave me the frak alone! Okay I only remember sleeping with four…"

"Four?" Lee asked. "Me, Sam.. Baltar.. Who else, Kara?"

"I frakking hate you."

"BALTAR" The Pilots Briefing room was in an uproar at that.

"Who's number four, if your so pure now?"

"Uh.. Leo.. Hey that was a dream, doesn't count!"

"Was that the morning I was watching you in the bunkroom, the day you die-.. Ah Frak, Apollo don't cry. Helo please I don't want to become your human fight dummy, please, No. Please don't take my balls for pyramid, Anders, please… Frak, your going to frakking kill me now. Starbuck Please don't kill me!"

"You were dreaming about Leoben?" Lee asked incredulously. "The same model who held you hostage for four months?"

"It wasn't Leoben! I can't explain it, he helped me to the other side. Frak, none of you needed to know that, Thanks a lot, Hot Dog, can't ever keep your frakking mouth shut can you."

"No Sir, God, Sir, I cannot Sir."

"SHUT UP ALREADY, HOT DOG," Colonel Tigh ordered. "NOW ALL OF YOU WITH THE RASH GET YOUR STUPID FRAKKED UP ASSES TO DOCTOR COTTLE NOW! THAT'S AN ORDER."

The Rash infested Crewmembers filed out of the Pilots Briefing Room.

"Okay, who's left to fly this morning CAP Shift now that three quarters of you are in Sickbay with an STD or something of the sort."

"Hmm, Raygun, Stinger, Snitch your on CAP. Two Times, your with me in the Raptor. The rest of you Alert Vipers."

"Can I fly CAP, Can I fly CAP?" Starbuck practically begged.

"Go Back To Sickbay, Starbuck, you haven't received Medical Clearance yet." Helo ordered.

"But I want to fly my shiny white viper!" Starbuck whined. "And I outrank you!"

"I'm CAG, Starbuck. Sickbay before I have you escorted to the brig, Captain."

"I haven't been to the brig since the attacks and it was once my second home… Frak that was a long time ago. Fine I'll go to frakking sickbay, would you stop staring at me you Frak heads." And Starbuck stormed out following the Rash Parade.


	3. Rash Part II

The Rash Part II

Doctor Cottle took one look at the Rash that was consuming a good chunk of Galactica's pilot corps and select CIC Staff members and a Civilian and laughed.

Yes. Doctor Cottle, The Chimney laughed at these unfortunate fools as he sucked down another cigarette.

He looked them all over.. Each having "The Rash" in various, odd some might say parts of there bodies… From Feet, to groin, to arms and legs, each had the same thing and symptoms.

Flaking skin, itchiness.. and in Doc Cottle's mind they were all total Frakking Idiots!

"So do you all change your socks, shirts, pants, undergarments regularly?"

No one answered.

"I'm taking that as a 'No.'"

"Starbuck, get over here," Doctor Cottle ordered Captain Thrace over to the "Rash" infected group.

"What's up, Doc?"

"Look at Apollo's leg."

"Why Doc?"

"Its not like you haven't seen each other nude Captain, you have co-ed showers for Fraks sake!"

"What the frak, Lee, you're a frakking moron!"

"What? Why?"

"Diagnosis, Captain Thrace?"

"Athletes Foot."

"On my frakking leg?"

"Major Adama and the rest of you imbeciles athletes foot does not isolate itself to your feet, it can spread to just about anywhere on your body. You all have some oddly placed locations of _tinea pedis_, more commonly known as Athlete's foot. Contrary to your belief that you caught it from your sexual partners, you didn't, you just need to change your socks and other clothes for clean ones more often and if all of your clothes are in the laundry, I bet the laundry staff would love some help. Your all a bunch of frakking disgraces, bringing this to me as if it was some STD, you frakking idiots, now here's some topical cream and get out of my sickbay! Not you Starbuck, you stay here."

"FRAK!" Starbuck exclaimed and stalked back to her life station bed.


	4. Stims

Scenes Not To Be Seen, Ever, So Say We All

Stims

Time: This takes place during the year orbiting New Caprica.

Galactica CIC

"Galactica to Pegasus Actual." Helo calls over the ship to ship line. As XO one of his many jobs is to be the communications officer, as the old one is on Pegasus.. and the crew is quite skeletal.

"Pegasus Actual here."

"This is Galactica Actual, Pegasus will have to maintain the full CAP today."

"Pegasus Actual, Why, Galactica Actual?"

"Commander, the Galactica Pilots are not in any shape for flying at the moment, the three currently on CAP, I am assuming are the only ones with out any major stimulants, Is that correct, Captain?"

"Yes, Admiral, that is correct."

"Frakking Stims, Admiral?"

"Yes Commander, Stims. My pilots are currently running around the ship like mad men."

"Damn Kat, can I come over there and kick her ass?"

Helo laughed at the mental image of Lee Adama getting to Kat in anyway.

"Something you would like to share, Captain?"

"No Sir." Helo replied to the grinning Admiral.

"Is that all Galactica Actual?"

"That is all Pegasus Actual." And the lines cut off.

"Helo go find Katraine's Stim stash and hide it."

"Yes Sir," Karl Agathon saluted the Admiral before marching off. Ah the duties of the XO of the flagship of the former Twelve Colonies! No wonder Tigh moved to that blasted planet.

"Hi ya Cap'n!" a random Pilot Lieutenant yelled teeth chattering at Helo as he ran by trembling.

Further in the ship, impromptu boxing matches sprang between pilots with stim induced anger. Overall it was chaos within the Galactica's ranks of pilots.

It seemed when the CAG's Stim habit acted up she'd toss her pilots into the pot of people needing them as well.


	5. Drunk CAP Part II

Drunk Cap, Part II: The Cylons Show Up

**Drunk Cap, Part II: The Cylons Show Up**

A Basestar jumps in.

"FRAAAKKK!" Hot Dog screams over his ship to ship communications link as he engages the raiders.

"Click, click, blop, squash. YEAH!" And Starbuck goes at the Raider's guns blazing.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA," Apollo shoots down a few Raiders.

"QUACK, QUACK, QUACK," Duck fires and takes out Raiders.

In the CIC, Commander Adama is watching the blip screen as the enemy ships go down and his drunk pilots and Hot Dog take out the Basestars Squadrons.

The Civilian Fleet jumped away, "CAP, COMBAT LANDINGS," The Landing officer called to the Combat Air Patrol.

"What the frak is a combat landing?" Apollo asked.

"FRAK," Hot Dog exclaimed, putting in a prayer to the Gods that his superiors don't get him killed doing something as routine as landing on Galactica.

To poor Hot Dog, his fellow Cap surprisingly landed just fine, a bit bumpier then usual, but Apollo, Starbuck and Duck landed fine and Galactica jumped away.

After being pulled into the hangar bay, Hot Dog jumped out of his viper and ran over and decked, one after the other, his three superior officers who were laughing at each other as Starbuck and Apollo were doing as if they were the funniest things in the world.. And Duck who was pointing at the Chief's orange jump suit asking if he could eat it.

"DUCK, GET OFF MY LEG, YOU CAN'T EAT MY JUMPSUIT. NO!"

Duck pouted, "But its sooo Orange and pretty. Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack." ….

The Chief harrumphed and walked away, "Were they like this on Cap, Costanza?"

"Yeah, Chief."

"Who the frak let these three launch!"

Jammer ran away screaming.

"Oh that frakking idiot, once I get my hands on him. He's damn lucky the birds came back without a scratch. Apollo, Starbuck, Duck, get the frak off my hanger deck!"

The three pilots just stared at him. "ADAMA, THRACE, CLELAN, GET OFF MY HANGAR DECK NOW!"

The three responded to that order and wandered off deck.

"Hot Dog, why don't you go babysit them."

"Ah, do I have to, I just spent six hours with them!"

"Hot Dog," The Chief said sternly, and Hot Dog followed his three superior officers off deck.


End file.
